University Park, Pa. -- This scene has played out countless times in commercials and made-for-TV movies: the college student walks up the sidewalk, suitcase in hand, as mom and dad peek with anticipation out the window. The front door swings open and the parents greet their son or daughter with hugs and kisses. They adjourn to the living room where mom and dad slide to the edge of their couch cushions, listening intently as their student regales them with stories from school.
What that scene doesn't reveal is the friction that can arise when parents try to adjust to having their students home over school breaks.
Friction, however, is normal, according to Mary Anne Knapp, the outreach and consultation coordinator of Penn State's Counseling and Psychological Services.
"A student may view time at home as a vacation," said Knapp. "Parents may expect their students to participate in chores or family activities. Students have been living different lifestyles; they have more freedoms, they're used to staying up later and, when they come home, they may be looking forward to seeing old friends.
"In some ways, it's helpful to expect that there will be changes and there will be some tension and conflict, for example, over a curfew or other house rules."
So, if it's normal that parents' and students' expectations might not line up, is there a way to squeeze those two divergent lines closer together?
Knapp said communication and compromise could help. "Try to understand," she advised, "the differences between you and your student and start dealing with them now, from both perspectives, and communicate about them. Early in the visit talk about expectations. Communication is important and compromise might be necessary."
That compromise might not be only between parents and students. It could also be between parents. One might expect the house rules to remain the same while the other might think they could be relaxed.
"I think that would be a good thing to have talked about before the student comes home," said Knapp. "What are our differences and how are we going to deal with them? Parents need to arrive at a good enough solution. It’s important that there is a message conveyed that is the bottom line that both people can agree to."
Then, she said, the parents can move on to conveying that bottom line to their student. That process could include detailing dates of events that parents expect their students to participate in. It could also include analyzing house rules and determining which of those you expect your student to adhere to and which could be bent a bit or eliminated altogether.
"Parents need to acknowledge that their students are used to doing things more independently," Knapp said. "Whenever possible, it's important to think carefully about rules that are important vs. ones that are not worth the battle. I think it's an expectable kind of tension in some ways. If the student was completely happy with following all the rules the way they were before, they might not ever leave home."